Thoughts from a Senior Dad – College Discussions

To all Great Hearts Parents of a High School Senior,

You have hopefully had a few discussions about college or next steps with your senior. We’ve had several of these conversations at our house, as well. They always took place in passing, whether it was my daughter daydreaming out loud about where she wants to go, my wife and I asking her how much it’s going to cost, or me inadvertently nagging her about finishing her applications. For the record, I call it consulting. Nagging was her word to describe it. These impromptu meetings have taken place in the car while stuck in traffic, while I am paying bills, or any other “adulting” pastime that puts me in a less than great mood to begin with. Sometimes these discussions don’t even involve her at all and end with me saying to my wife, “How are we going to get through this?”

This method left my daughter defensive anytime the topic of college came up. Which is fair. The only time I talked to her about it was when I was feeling stress. I was stressed about the which school she would eventually pick. Stressed about paying for tuition, books, residence halls, and even application fees. Stressed about whether she is making all her deadlines. And to be totally honest, what was causing me the most stress was the fact that the days of her living under my roof are numbered.

Because I was stressed and feeling time crushing me to the ground, my inquiries came out a bit more rapid-fire and aggressive than I intended. This resulted in her feeling attacked and answering my questions with timidity, which I perceived as her not taking it seriously. So, I responded in irritation, and long story, short, this resulted in tears and frustration and my wife sending both of us to our separate corners of the house. This is not how I wanted to spend the precious few moments we have left before she moves away.

Then I found myself avoiding those conversations all together, which frankly, only added to the stress. There are so many unknowns to navigate as a parent. Is this just the natural order of life? Do parents and children argue about college their senior year just to make it easier to part ways? Surely there is a better way!

It turns out, there is. During a Great Hearts College Counseling Night at our academy, our very wise college counselor gave us the following advice – to establish a day and time once a week that is devoted to talking about college with our senior. She recommended that we avoid conversations about college outside of that time (unless it is timely, or student initiated). I couldn’t see how the outcome could be any different than all the other times, but my wife and I decided to give it a try. My wife was also a bit reluctant because she often had to play the role of referee between my daughter and I. She says that we are too much alike, but I just don’t see it.

We had our daughter pick a day and time that we could devote to all things college. Anytime I thought about a burning question I had, instead of hunting her down and asking her right there and then, I just wrote it down and saved it for our designated meeting. As we came together around the kitchen table one evening, I could see the fear in her face as she sat down. I felt horrible. I never wanted her to dread talking to me about such an important decision in her life. I am not going to lie. It didn’t start out great. We fell into the same pattern of her reacting and me overreacting and so forth. At some point, she finally became vulnerable and opened up about some of her fears and feelings in the whole process. It softened me. She was no longer my know-it-all teenager. She was one of the most important people in my life asking me for help. Much to my wife’s relief, the whole mood of the meeting changed. I had to admit, too, that I was feeling inadequate in the whole with her being our first child we’re sending to college. College has changed so much since I was a student. And I realized I didn’t have all the answers to the questions that she had either.

We took all the concerns and questions we had and made a list to tackle one at a time. Our first plan of action was to schedule a follow-up appointment with her college counselor at the school, which proved to be extremely productive. Her counselor had most of the answers, and the answers she didn’t have, were resolved with just a few phone calls. My daughter was finally excited about her possibilities again. And I was less stressed without all the dangling unanswered questions. And my wife was just happy that a little bit of peace was restored to our household – not total peace – we still have three other children after all.

We were excited to get together again the following week for our next college meeting and this time we decided to have it at a local coffee shop to make it feel a little less daunting and more of a special time together. It’s amazing what a macchiato can do.

Parents, if you aren’t already, I urge you to take advantage of the college counseling team at your academy. They are a wealth of information and one of the best resources that Great Hearts has to offer parents and seniors. Don’t try to figure it out on your own or leave to your senior to figure it out. Give them a call and let them advocate for your child. You and your senior will have a smoother senior year experience if you do. You won’t regret it. College decisions are just the tip of the iceberg and there is plenty more to stress over this year.

Until next time,
A Great-Hearted Senior’s Dad

Do you have a story or know of a story that you would like to see featured at Great Hearts?  Please contact jason.moore@greathearts.org.